Not a Rookie Anymore
by x.imagine.x
Summary: "The first thing she did when she got that evaluation was run. She took the weekend, her dad's car, and two bottles of Jack Daniels, and she drove two hours to Brighton, Ontario, rented a motel room, and thought."


**A/N: So, here's another plot bunny! The actual page breaks seperate the present from the past, and the -0-0-0-0- thing signifies a time lapse during the weekend she spends away. You'll understand when you read it, but if you're confused or anything let me know! It starts in the present, then the page break sends it back to her leaving, and the other page break puts her back in the same place she was before the first break. That probably made no sense. So if you're reading this, i'll just let you get on with it. **

**Disclaimer: Rookie Blue definitely isn't mine, or Callaghan would be transferred…**

* * *

**NOT A ROOKIE ANYMORE**

She couldn't believe that it had been a year. It seemed like just yesterday that she and the other rookies had come here for the first time, and been arrested at the bar. It seemed like it hadn't been that long since Shaw had read out their names from their confiscated driver's licenses as Chris struggled angrily. It seemed like it hadn't been that long since her first day.

She wasn't one for waves of nostalgia but, standing outside the Black Penny, Andy was suddenly struck by one. The year that followed that night had gone by in a blur. She'd faced death multiple times since then, she'd shot and killed a man, she'd faced the cold-shoulder from half the division, she'd fallen in love. It all seemed so… distant now. Once the report had come back declaring if she was fit to keep her badge or not, she had been gripped by a sudden uncertainty and fear. After all she'd faced in the past year, she wasn't sure if she could handle thirty more years at the mercy of Torontonians. If she'd learned one thing this year, it was that people were ruthless.

Yet underneath all that anger and cruelty, there were truly good people out there. People like Benny, who made her want to keep going and helping those in need.

And so the first thing she did when she got that letter was run. She took the weekend, her dad's car, and two bottles of Jack Daniels, and she drove two hours to Brighton, Ontario, rented a motel room, and thought. She spent two and a half days in solitude, having turned off her phone. Two and a half days to consider everything that had gone down in one of the most hectic years of her life, and to decide whether it was worth it. The other rookies had no such decision to make. Dov had practically wet his pants when he got his approval, and Traci had squealed so loudly Andy thought she'd go deaf. Gail and Chris hadn't been very surprised to find they had passed their evaluations, leaving Andy as the only uncertainty in the mass of excitement. She refused to open her letter in front of the others at work, lying and saying she'd promised her father she'd open it with him. Gail had given her grief over that one, but she'd gotten rather good at ignoring the blonde's attempts to rattle her.

**

* * *

**

She escaped the locker room, fled the precinct, and ran straight to her father's, at which point she lied and told him the rookies were waiting to open their letters at the Penny later that night. She asked to borrow the car, spouting out another lie and saying that she wanted to go away with Luke for the weekend; she hadn't told him that she'd broken up with Luke three weeks prior. Ten minutes later, keys in hand, Andy loaded her overnight bag into the back of the station wagon and set the unopened results on the seat beside her. They taunted her throughout the entire drive, twisting her gut with anxiety and nerves. Her phone began to vibrate a half hour in, the caller ID showing Traci. She considered, and then pressed the Ignore button. Ten minutes later, Dov's name flashed across her screen, and she repeated the motion.

It was another fifteen minutes before Sam's name showed up on the screen, and Andy hesitated before pressing Ignore and turning off the phone. She drove the rest of the way in silence, trying not to think of the piece of paper beside her that would determine her future.

The weekend was oddly calming. Andy had forgotten how it felt to just disappear from the world, and engulf yourself in peace. She watched hours of bad television –not really paying attention– and walked aimlessly through the streets of Brighton, taking in the familiar sights; they used to come here on family vacations. _Used to_ meaning before her mother decided she didn't want a family after all. It must have been nice, being able to try out the whole family thing and then deciding one day that you were tired of it. Andy had spent years blaming herself for her mother's departure, but after being a cop for a year, she realized that maybe her mother just got tired of dealing with her father's issues. She hadn't thought it was really that bad before she'd been exposed to it herself, and discovered that this job wasn't what everyone made it out to be. Her relationship with Luke had dissolved because of their jobs, and she was starting to see that her parents' relationship had done the same. Her father had only gone downhill from there, and Andy didn't want to end up like him. He had straightened up a bit after being accused of murder, but he still had a ways to go.

Andy had always taken the harder road in her life, refusing to let anyone say she'd gotten it easy. Just this once, she was considering breaking that rule. If she wanted to, she could give up on this job –and all of its moral issues– right now. She could run away from it and never look back if she wanted. Chris hadn't been the only one disillusioned to the merits of being a cop during this year. Andy had seen and done things she could never take back, and she knew that she'd carry them with her for the rest of her life.

She spent her nights in one of the few bars in Brighton- the one she'd seen her father sneaking off to after he thought they were asleep. They never were.

She drank more than she should have each night, and stumbled into the room long after midnight, only to pass out on the bed and wake up to sunlight assaulting her eyes far too early in the morning. Twice she considered turning her phone back on and checking the missed calls she was sure were there. Of course, she did no such thing, preferring to enjoy the solitude while she could.

She spent a good deal of time staring at the still unopened letter, wanting to open it and yet too afraid. She would never admit her emotions to anyone, but Andy could honestly say she was afraid of those results. If they told her she didn't pass, then she will have failed at the one thing she thought she wanted in life. Well, maybe it wasn't the _one_ thing; there was something else she wanted –or rather some_one_. If the results told her she passed, then she was a cop, and she still wasn't sure if that was a good thing. The year she'd spent in this occupation had been such a roller coaster, and she didn't particularly want to undergo that for the rest of her life. She wasn't sure how her father had survived it, considering she was on the fast track to becoming him at this rate. She didn't want to be another McNally train wreck. It would prove her mother right.

And it wasn't just that. There were also personal dilemmas involved; namely, her relationship with her TO. Things had been complicated since the night she'd killed that man. It hadn't been fair of her to just show up and throw herself at him, and then leave the second she came back to reality. She had been afraid that night, afraid of what she felt. She felt like the world disappeared when she was with him, and he made her feel safer than anyone could. She'd realized that night that her feelings were more than just a physical attraction, and it made her flight instinct kick in. Every time she got too close to someone, she ran away. Except from Luke. She hadn't run from Luke, except that one morning. Maybe that was because she no longer felt that there was anything to run from? Luke hadn't posed a threat to her barriers in a very long time, and maybe that was why she kept him around. Sam, on the other hand, had never ceased to be a threat. He'd wormed his way past her defences without her knowledge, and she'd pushed him away. Things had been somewhat tense between them ever since that night, though they'd gotten slightly more back on track over the past couple of months; there was still that unspoken tension between them. After she'd broken up with Luke, Andy thought the way he looked at her had changed, but she couldn't be sure.

She'd never been more confused in her life, and Andy found herself thankful for her instinct to run. Oftentimes, the only way she could sort through anything was to lock herself away and sort through it all, one step at a time. Her only problem was that she didn't know where to start.

The letter stared at her from across the room, and she made her way over to it slowly, dragging out the process. Where better to start than with the cause of this entire trip?

_-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-_

Andy sat on the motel bed, studying the letter until the words swam and blurred. She'd done it. She was a full-fledged cop. She was 'one of the guys'. Despite everything that had gone down with Detective Bibby –who was no longer a detective, thanks to her and Chris- Andy was a part of the fifteenth division. No longer a rookie…

The implications of that statement resonated with her, and as she climbed into the uncomfortable bed that night –earlier than usual- Andy found that she didn't feel any different; she still felt like the same naïve little rookie who unwittingly took out an undercover cop on her first day.

_-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-_

The next day was Monday. Andy had called in for a personal day, breaking her rule about the cell phone. She had twenty-five missed calls from Traci alone, another ten from Dov, fifteen from Sam (her heart skipped a beat despite herself), and five from her father. She had multiple text messages from Traci, Dov, Chris, and Sam, and she spent the first part of her Monday listening to them. Her heart swelled as she listened to the concern in their voices.

"_Andy, where the hell are you? Do you realize how worried we are? Your dad said you were with Luke, but Luke's sitting right in front of me. What the hell is going on? Call me back!" _Traci's voice snapped through the speaker. Andy almost felt sheepish.

"_Um, Andy? What the hell is wrong with you? You just disappeared, now your phone's off? Everyone's worried." _Dov's attempt at a monotone failed, and Andy smiled.

"_Andrea, what is going on? Traci said you broke up with Callaghan? Where are you? Who are you with?" _Her father hadn't called her by her full first name in a very long time, and she felt suddenly guilty for worrying him. It had been a while since he'd cared for her so openly, and she regretted not telling at least him where she'd gone. He was her father, after all. He deserved to know where she was when she dropped off the face of the earth.

"_Uh, McNally, Andy, I don't know what's going on here, but your results come in and you take off? Best said you called in a personal day? What are you running from?" _Andy's smile froze at Sam's voice. She could hear his breathing through the phone, and the silence spoke legions, _"Come back."_

Out of all the messages, Sam's was the only one that hit the nail on the head. He knew she was running away, though he didn't know why. He understood her in ways she never thought possible, and it scared the hell out of her.

Andy stared at her phone, wondering what to do. Her friends' concern made her want to rush back home immediately, yet she didn't know what would happen when she got there. She was still wary of getting too close to anyone, but it might already be too late. Her feelings towards her coworkers were much more intense than she'd bargained for. That mixed with the already tumultuous emotions associated with police work that she hadn't bargained for, and Andy McNally was one messed up cocktail. She was stuck, unsure of what to do.

_Don't overthink it._

Sam's words from months previously echoed in her mind, and like she always did, Andy took his advice, trusting that his words wouldn't lead her astray; they hadn't so far.

_-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-_

She started on her way back to Toronto a little after six that night. She'd listened to only half of the messages before she realized that her decision was made, although she shouldn't have needed to make a decision in the first place. She was done running away from her life. Every time things got heavy, she took off, and she couldn't do that anymore. Before she left on Friday, it felt like everything in her life was coming to a head all at once, and every decision she made would result in a commitment. She was committing to this life by going back, and while that thought made her nervous, she found that she was equally excited. Before this, she had avoided attachment at all costs, preferring the option that offered a quick, clean break, the only exception being her friendship with Traci. She hadn't realized how much she missed having girlfriends until they'd met. Now she was sure she couldn't live without her friend, one of the only people who had managed to break past her barriers. Now that she thought about it, her relationship with Traci wasn't the only one she could no longer live without. As much as she didn't like the idea, she knew it was the truth.

Andy stopped right there and turned off her thoughts. She wasn't going to overthink anything, she was just going to go home and let everything happen naturally. She was going to let things happen like they were supposed to, instead of trying to shape everything in the best possible way for her to make a quick escape. Because, the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she didn't want to make a quick escape.

_-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-_

She dropped off the car at her dad's before going back to her apartment to change. She'd given him the fastest explanation possible, apologized profusely, and shared the results of her evaluation before departing. She felt even guiltier about leaving as she saw the pride shine in his eyes. The other cops could say what they wanted about him, but Andy knew her father was a good man; he just needed reminding that he was.

After she'd showered and dressed in something more than sweats and a tank top, Andy headed back out. It was just after ten, and she knew where her friends would be.

* * *

And so she found herself standing outside the Black Penny, suddenly overwhelmed with the emotion she'd been dealing with for the past year. It had been all too easy to shut it out before she'd begun this job, but if she continued to do so, she knew that would be taking the easy way out, and Andy McNally didn't take the easy way out.

The first thing she saw when she entered the bar was that it was a full house. The bar in Brighton had been nothing compared to this place, and Andy smiled lightly to herself as she looked around for any sign of Traci.

"Andy McNally!" Andy jumped as she realized that Traci had found her first. "Don't you _ever_ do that to me again!"

Andy tried to look abashed, but the expression quickly changed to a wince as Traci hit her on the arm. That woman could throw a punch.

"Ow! Hey, what was that for?" Andy yelped.

"For scaring the hell out of me! Where on earth did you go?"

"I was, uh, out of town for the weekend. I needed some time to think," She hedged, not wanting to really get into any details, "It's not important. I'm here now."

Traci looked as though she wanted to press further, but decided against it, instead drawing Andy into her arms for a very fierce hug. The gesture caught Andy off guard, and it took her a moment to return it.

"So?" Traci asked suddenly, pulling back and holding Andy at arm's length, "Did you pass?"

Andy tried to look disappointed as she studied her feet, "Well… I kind of kicked ass."

Traci squealed, a close second to the one in the locker room, "That's my girl! I _knew_ you'd do it! I knew _we_ could do it!" And without further ado, she wrapped Andy up in a bone crushing celebratory hug.

After her friend let go, allowing Andy to breathe, she grabbed her hand and led her over to the table with the other rook- Andy stopped herself. They weren't rookies anymore… So what were they? As she studied the faces of her friends, and listened to Dov's heartfelt speech about how glad he was to have her back –he was obviously already wasted– Andy knew that it didn't matter what they were called, because they would always be her friends first.

She sat and talked with them for the better part of two hours –Dov couldn't believe she'd had the results all weekend and waited to open them until Sunday night. Was she trying to kill herself with the suspense?- before spotting the one other person she wanted to see tonight. She excused herself, and thought for a moment that Traci would refuse to let her go, but her friend followed the direction of her gaze and shot her a knowing look as she made her way over to the bar.

Andy slid onto a stool and motioned to the bartender for a drink as he merely glanced at her with a slight turn of his head.

"You came back," He stated, taking a sip of whatever he was drinking –she suspected scotch.

Andy nodded, "I did."

She waited for the inevitable question of where she'd gone and why she'd gone there, but it didn't come. It was like he understood without her needing to say the words. He respected her privacy and didn't push for more information, instead taking another drink.

"So, I got my results. I opened them last night," She said, when she was sure he wasn't going to say anything at all. He was letting her take the lead on this one. "I passed."

She couldn't stop the shy grin from spreading across her face as she said it, and watched as his lips lifted in a half-smile.

"Congrats."

"You don't sound surprised," Andy noted, raising her glass to her lips.

"Why would I be surprised?" He asked, taken off guard.

"Because… I don't know… Because I was probably the worst rookie of the bunch," She admitted, staring down at the table.

She didn't need to look at him to know he was studying her with disbelief on his face, "And what makes you think that?"

"Well… I wasn't really a very good cop, was I? I wasn't anything like Gail or Chris. They both just fit right in."

He was silent for a long while, and she thought for a minute that he would agree with every word she said. "Gail and Chris fit in, sure, but fitting in isn't everything. Gail steps on everyone's toes to fit in, and Chris would rather fit in than do what's right. You… You don't care about the politics or the personal repercussions; you follow your gut, and to me, that's the definition of a good cop, Andy."

She was surprised at his words. He wasn't one to often hand out compliments, or first names. Over the year they'd worked together, she'd gotten to see a side of him no one else had, and he'd seen the same side of her. He was the one other person who'd managed to break down her walls, and she knew that she owed her success to him.

"Thank you, Sam," She said, after a lengthy pause.

"What are you thanking me for?" He asked, frowning.

"For… being you, I guess? I don't think I would have made it if you weren't there…" Her voice was quiet, but she knew he would hear. She wasn't used to so openly admitting her emotions, and she had to fight the blush that threatened to ignite her cheeks.

Sam shook his head, "Nah, you would have done it. It just would have been a lot more hard work, and a lot less fun."

She laughed with him, looking up and meeting his gaze. She wasn't prepared for what she saw in his eyes, but she didn't want to run from it as she normally would have. Instead, she embraced it, and let the warmth flow through her. There was more than just amusement and pride in his eyes, and she was sure there was more than just happiness and admiration in hers.

"You know," She said, her tone immediately changing the entire atmosphere between them, "This means I'm not a rookie anymore."

Sam nodded, "And I'm not your Training Officer."

The rest of the words didn't need to be spoken, they understood each other perfectly. Never breaking eye contact, Sam placed a couple of bills to pay for the drinks on the counter. He rose from the stool and left the bar, his arm brushing hers as he passed, sending an electric shock down her spine. She fought to control herself before glancing around and following him outside, where he was leaning against his truck.

She stopped a few feet from him, and watched as he pushed himself upright, closing the distance between them quickly. He stopped when he stood directly in front of her, and brought a hand up to brush her hair back behind her ear, letting his hand linger to cradle her cheek. Her breath was coming in shallow bursts, and her heart was pounding as he leaned in.

"Just so we don't misunderstand each other," He whispered. His lips were a breath away from hers when she realized that he wasn't going to close the distance. He was waiting for her.

She didn't hesitate in following her gut this time. She could get hurt, or she could not, but for once, Andy didn't think about any of that. She didn't overanalyze the consequences this might have, and she didn't think about the risk she was taking. Instead, she focussed on the feeling of his lips on hers, his arms wrapped around her, his hair between her fingers, and so many other sensations she didn't even know could exist. She lost herself in everything she'd wanted to do for so long, but that she hadn't been able to do until now. The only thought that entered her mind before it went blissfully blank was how glad she was that she came back, and how freeing it was to think that she was not a rookie anymore.

* * *

**A/N: So… Like it? Hate it? It wasn't originally supposed to be that long… but it just kept going and going. I'm not sure if it started to get a little off and confusing towards the end because I started getting tired, but I think I like it!**


End file.
